Lost. That's how I feel when it comes to my 'relationship' with him. I'm lost when it comes to every day interaction with him. I'm lost when it comes to how he feels about our situation. I'm just lost...
We've been doing this off and on for a whole year now. We hang out, get fucked up, exchange knowing glances all night, and when it's time to 'sleep', he's practically begging for it. So, if he supposedly wants it so damn badly, why the fuck is he so ashamed of it?
He won't admit it to anyone. When people ask, I'm just another one night mistake... but we've been through way more than one night... as for the mistake part, I think that falls more on my head than his.
It's a mistake that I continue things, that I give in and give him what he wants... but when I look into his eyes, I can't say no.
Those months where we went back to just friends was great. I was finally able to be around him and not want to jump his bones everytime I saw him. It was finally getting to the way it used to be when we met... but a couple weeks ago, a back massage turned into more. Why do I give in? I don't know. All I do know, is that I'm back to square one... thinking about him constantly, wanting him... Now, don't get me wrong, my feelings for him aren't exactly romantic... It is purely sexual, but he makes my stomach flutter and I can't help it.
I may have lost my virginity to Chris, but sex with him really didn't count in my mind. 2 minutes of me laying there, watching Monica peek in through the door, while he pathetically attempts to please me... does not count as sex to me.
And with that, in my heart, he is the only one I can consider a true partner...
So, you can see why I'm confused... why I'm attached... why I'm fucking lost.
So, it is my mistake. That I keep giving into someone that doesn't want me. Someone that isn't attracted to me. And someone who is using me.
I've been working some shit out in my head for the past couple of weeks. I don't exactly know where all this shit will end up, but who does? All I know is that I'm finally moving from the spot that I was stuck to for so damn long. Which makes me happy.
The most work I've been doing...the hardest work...has been working on repairing the brand new rip down the middle of my heart. Repairing that shit after Nelson was hard...repairing it after Cyle flicked it around was hard...but this one was the hardest, I think.
Timma...no one has ever made me laugh so damn hard and cry so damn much. It's not his fault though. It's not like I can blame my pain on him, just because feelings weren't reciprocated. But damn, he left one hell of a wound. I tried to fill the would and forget all about him with Chris, but...let's face it. I didn't give two shits about Chris. Never did. I just wanted him as a way to forget...and as a way to prove that I wasn't completely unwanted. That's where life had to bitchslap me in the back of the head and say "Yes you are!" and I had to get rid of Chris a little before my birthday.
I thought that my birthday couldn't get any worse...wrong. That's when I found out about Mauxe and Tim. And that is when the wound he left got a fucking grenade shoved in it and everything went to hell. Again, I had to deal with someone liking Mauxe instead of me. And again, I had to deal with this pain that only your best friend can cause. But somehow, I managed to pull myself back up, dust off the shit that's built up inside of me, and limp along.
Have I gotten 100% used to their relationship? Hell no. Will I ever? I don't know. But I am tired of letting it interfere with my friendships with the two. I don't want to feel this way anymore. And just forgetting about it is the only way I CAN deal.
My life blows, but I have amazing friends that make this shithole seem like heaven. And I'm not going to let myself lose them.
I'm back, LJ! Yes, Kyran, you have inspired me to use this once again. You've also inspired me to do naughty things to myself late at night but...shhh! Don't tell anyone. =)
My mom's talking about kicking me out of the house again. She doesn't even live here! How can she kick me out? And if they won't kick out the homeless guys that live here, then why the hell would they kick out an 18 year old girl that has seizures? Yeah...that's smart, right?
I swear, sometimes, I think I'm the only one in this house with a brain. So what if I'm not using it currently. The past year has been really stressful. I almost died a couple times...and everyone expects me to get over that shit like it's nothing. They wonder why I'm afraid to get out and do things. Maybe because I don't want to die in the middle of a junior college. Or some greasy place where I would work. No.
But I got to do something...
So, right now, I have an upcoming interview for the KVHS radio broadcasting class. If they accept me, I will be learning how to be a DJ for 90.5 THE EDGE. Moe and I have a lot of cool ideas so hopefully they let us be part of the class. I don't see why they wouldn't. We're both so darn charming. hehehe.
And The Epidemic is starting music classes, so I'm trying to convince them to let me teach kids beginning guitar. I don't really like kids, but I love their money. And I could put up with them for 2 hours or whatever. So, that should be really cool.
If things don't work out with the class, then I'm probably going to take some classes at LMC. I have to go take the English proficiency test, so they can place me. I wanted to take an online class, but all of their online classes are only available after you've taken classes on campus. Which is lame, because I don't have a car or a way there, and I hate public transportation. But, oh well, anything to get people off my back.
Life has been rather interesting lately, I guess. Ever since I quit beauty school, my grandma's treating me like I'm 14 again. It's utter bullshit. I mean, I hated it there. I thought I could stand it, but the superficiality and fumes just drove me away. I hated the girls. I hated the drama. I hated everything about it. So, now, what's the plan? I'm probably going to take some online classes through LMC. Probably writing classes. I miss writing alot.
But my grandma's not just stopping with school either. She wants to ban my friend, Stephen, from the house, because she walked in my room while we were watching movies and saw me laying with my head on his shoulder. Now she thinks that we're fucking. Hello! He's 14! I'm not STUPID! I'm not going to jail for that shit, and I wouldn't even think about a relationship with Stephen anyway.
And she can try as hard as she wants, I'm not going to stop being friends with Stephen just because he's younger than me. He's a great kid, and I love the shit outta him!
But what I don't get is why she would ban Stephen from the house and not Aaron. I mean, she's walked in when we were sleeping in the same bed together. She's walked in seconds after we've stopped fooling around and shit, but she has no problem with him at all. Maybe it's just the age thing.
Even then, I don't know how much longer I'm going to be fooling around with Aaron. It's not that I have a problem with the whole friends with benefits deal, it's just that he makes it really fucking difficult. I thought it was supposed to be the girl who fucks this stuff up. Hmm. I don't know. We'll see. I don't think there will be anything going on anymore...
Friends with benefits is way too fucking hard. It's harder than online relationships, even. Not that I've ever been in one. Just what I know from word of mouth...
Yeah, it's St. Patrick's Day, but that's not the reason I am in desperate need of booze. My grandfater passed away this morning around 4. I'm not surprised. Actually, I think it's kinda better. He was really sick for a long time and now he can finally have some peace. It was just a matter of time. Now, I've got the million members in my family over here, crying, and telling stories about how he was a jackass. I got maybe 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night and feel like crap right now. Not going to school today either. But I will be at The Epidemic later...maybe. I don't want to miss Pablo's first show. At least, I think it's his first show. Bastard doesn't tell me anything. Maybe it's not the best idea, but now, I have a magazine to think about. I've got to go and interview bands and crap. Damn, why couldn't this show have been tomorrow?
I don't know. I'm confused right now. I just want to go to sleep. Damn me and being a light sleeper. I'd never be able to sleep with all the noise going on here right now. Maybe I can get Moe to buy me a bottle later or something. She's over 21.
You know, it's sad that I only use LJ when MySpace is down. Oh well...
Well, I don't know what I'm going to do now. Probably watch a movie or something.
Yeah, I know. But it looks like no one else is using their LJ either now-a-days. MySpace has taken over the world. Went over to Erik's last night with Moe. Jeremy was there. We got drunk and stoned, and I think I made Erik uncomfortable. I kept making my lude jokes and stuff, which is completely normal, but I think I took it a little too far. We bleached a patch in the front of his head too, and it looked so awesome. I couldn't help but play with his hair the rest of the night. It doesn't help that it smells so damn good and that it's totally soft either. Oh, and he fell asleep on my boobs. Totally funny. He said they're the best boob-pillows ever. LoL. God, I need to stop gushing over him. But it's his fault for getting so damn hot. I really wanna know when that happened. It's totally weird being attracted to him too. I mean, he's Mr. Pineda's nephew. That, and I've known him since he was about 12 and I was about 15. So...yeah...it's just confusing. Don't get me wrong though. It's not like I'm sitting here and picturing a house and picket fence or anything. I don't like him THAT much. But I can't help myself. He's just a really sweet, funny, awesome person. And everytime I see him, for that breif moment of time, I'm actually happy. Not pretend happy. Maybe I'm confusing that with actual feelings for him. Maybe I don't really like him at all. I don't know. I think I'm just going to stop overanalyzing it and be his friend as best I can.
Well, since it's Jessamyn's birthday tomorrow, I decided to make her a lil' something since I don't have the money right now to get her a present after what my grandma spent on Moe's birthday. So, here goes.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Myspace isn't working! I think I'm going to DIE! No, I'm kidding. lol.
While I was out last night, Jeannie asked me a question... About whether or not I was with Zak. I told her that I wasn't, and that I would never be. She asked if it was because I didn't like him. And I told her that I did like him, but I would never go out with him. So, she asked why. I told her that I can't be with a junkie. I can't be with a loose cannon like that. I don't like him when he's drunk. I don't like him when he's high. And, now with his mom in the hospital, getting her toe amputated, he's always drunk. And he's always high. He came over my house during Moe's party drunk as hell. After promising me that he would never be drunk around me again. "Not after what I did last time." he said. Last time... He tried to spit on me, he tried to kiss me... He barked like a dog... He talked like a baby... He started praying "Forgive me, Father, for what I'm about to do..." So, I got the fuck out of there. And then at Moe's party... He was drunk... (I was lucky he wasn't on Meth) I can't be with him. Not when I don't feel safe around him. Not when he scares me so much. I just wish I didn't care. But there was a period when he wasn't like this. He was happier. He was sober. We would have intelligent conversations and watch indie films on his couch. Just the two of us. And it was great. Those were the times that made me like him. But now...I wonder why the hell I keep him around... Why do I still have these feelings? All I do know is that if he doesn't clean up soon... I'm never going to talk to his sorry ass again. I have too many other junkies to deal with (like my parents). I don't want to end up like my parents. I don't know. Maybe I'm overanalyzing things.
Well, I am an hour and a half away from graduation and I can't believe I've come this far. Life without Delta will be happier, I'm sure, but it will still be lonely. I'm going to miss things about it. People. Memories. I am really fucking stressing out though, because everyone is putting all this fucking pressure on me, and I have to get ready and shit, so I'm going fucking crazy here.
I don't even want to go now, but I have to. And the place is fucking ugly as hell. It's like some ampitheatre but it's blue and grey and it's got Spam banners on the wall. Yeah, wtf? I don't know. I can't believe that they looked at that place and thought it would be all right. What the fuck were you thinking? I mean, come on!
Well, I should go and do my hair. Fucking hell I hated this.
"Bloodlet" - The Faceless (Yeah, I still listen to that!)
]
So, I've been having this dispute with Mr. Javierre about my make up work. I had to do a 60 page report recapturing chapters 2-13, 5 pages each. So, I did so. Three times. And every time, he wouldn't accept it. There was always something wrong with it and I had to redo it.
So, today, I turned in another make up assignment, which he finally took. That means I get a C- for all of the quarters now, which is so fucking awesome. Well, it could be better, but at least I'm not failing.
Then I played him in pool for our finals, and I whooped his ass. It felt so fucking amazing to just be like, "Yeah, fuck you, Mr. Javierre!" He came up and said (all embarrassed, I might add) "Good game, Kristina." So, I said, "Yeah, it was. Wasn't it?" And I left.
Ahh...that felt good. Okay, I just had to gloat. =D
Lately, everything seems to be falling apart, basically. I don't know. I guess I'm over exaggerating. I tend to do that. lol.
Things with Cyle are officially over. Which I am thrilled about, but I just wish that it happened differently. What basically happened was I asked him is what I heard he said about me was true and he said that it was, because I had apparently been telling people that I was raped. I never fucking said that, so I told him that he was full of shit and asked who he heard that from and he said from Alicia, Monica, and Aaron. I never even really talked to Alicia about it! So, we argued for a little while longer until I said that this really wasn't worth it, and told him that we should just stop talking all together and move on. I mean, it wasn't like we were really friends in the first place. So, he said, "Okay. That's fine with me, but can I still hit on your sister?"
What the fuck kind of shit is that? So, I told him that if he ever came near her or me again that I would fucking kill him. He didn't take me seriously, but that's okay. He'll know once he tries. He'll fucking know. I don't play with shit like that and neither should he.
All in all, I'm happy that he's gone from my life. He did nothing but hurt me and manipulate me. He made me look like a fool. Whatever. I'm done being his little bitch. I'm done. And I feel so fucking relieved.
But I am happier now, and that's all that matters, right?
I am just anticipating for the moment when he starts spreading even worse rumors now to all of our friends. It's going to be bad, and ugly, but whatever. That can really show me who to trust. Whoever believes his shit, obviously doesn't know me enough and questions my values, so fuck them.
So, what has been going on in the loverly world that is Kristi's life? Nothing. Nothing piled upon fucking nothing. <---I forgot what that was from, but it's a quote from some movie. I don't know. My memories gone.
Yeah, so I wen tot the Taste of Chaos tour and saw MCR and The Used. The whole fucking show was amazing. Despite the fact that I got stepped on, elbowed, kicked in the head, and pants-ed.
I got drunk with God, Moe, and Nina. That was alot of fun. But before that, I got high with Pablo, Aaron, Moe, Dustin, and Zak. Well, Moe didn't get high, but she was there.
Ummm...things with Cyle are really through now. At least, I think/hope. I don't know. He did text me last night, but I ignored it. I was kinda proud of myself. He was saying that he was bored as fuck and wanted to come over and all this stuff. I didn't say anything back. I wanted to. Part of me wanted to torture the fuck out of him and make him come over, get him hard, and then kick him out or something. But I didn't. Because I know that if I did that, I wouldn't really have been able to kick him out. I would have let him stay and then I would have been back to square one. I don't know. I don't know what the hell's going to happen.
I am so fucking tired of putting myself out there just to get fucking beaten down. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I so fucking hard to love?
WHY THE HELL DO I KEEP GETTING THE BRUSH OFF FOR EVERYONE ELSE? This has happened to me for the past fucking 3 years and I'm tired of it. What the hell is so fucking wrong with ME? How come nobody loves ME? How come I'm so fucking invisible? How come I'm not good enough? Or beautiful enough? Or cool enough? Or smart enough? Or sexy enough? I guess I'm just not enough.
Well, I haven't been on here in a while. It's kinda sad. MySpace has taken over my life! Ahhhh!
Well, I've been a little disappointed about life. So many people have chaged on me and it's just sad to see that. People I thought that would never do certain things are now doing them, and they're totally changing my whole opinion about them. I think that change is good, but when it's not a change that is for the better than I can't really be behind it. All I can do is respect the change and then move on.
Maria's party was a on Friday night. It was alright, I just felt that people there were snobby and too "scene" for me and Nelson. I really thought that it would be like the Halloween Party, but it wasn't. It just seemed different. But it did give me and Nelson a chance to reconnect, which was really awesome.
It really showed me that no matter what, me and him are always going to be friends. I had missed Nelson alot. I missed, and still do miss, the days when we would talk for hours and I could tell him anything. I missed being so close to him. I don't know, I just missed him. I love him so much and I would really die if anything happened to him. He's like the brother I wish I had.
And the party really showed me how loyal we still are to eachother. Well, I don't know if loyal is the right word, because it makes it kinda sound like the relationship between me and a dog or something. When I find a better word, I'll let you know.
It's easy for you to get swept away by romance... But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective. You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!
You're a pro at going with the flow You love to kick back and take in everything life has to offer A total joy to be around, people crave your stability.
While you're totally laid back, you can have bouts of hyperactivity. Get into a project you love, and you won't stop until it's done You're passionate - just selective about your passions
Your Dominant Intelligence is Musical Intelligence
Every part of your life has a beat, and you're often tapping your fingers or toes. You enjoy sounds of all types, but you also find sound can distract you at the wrong time. You are probably a gifted musician of some sort - even if you haven't realized it. Also a music lover, you tend to appreciate artists of all kinds.
You would make a great musician, disc jockey, singer, or composer.
12:01 AM - Valentine's Day Depression Current mood: crushed
Well, it's Valentine's Day. I hate Valentine's Day. Valentine's day is a double edge sword in alot of ways. If you have someone, it's the best day in the world, but you're expected to do so much and no one ever really comes up to par on the romanticism level. If you're alone, your loneliness only seems to be magnified and you're more depressed than ever.
Valentine's Day will always carry some kind of regret for you, no matter what happens.
Oh, well...there's nothing I can really do about it. This is just going to be another Valentine's Day where I will be lonely and thinking about some stupid boy I have a crush on and wonder why I got the fucking horrible bad luck that some other bitch has his heart and will probably break it. I will have to deal with knowing that he's probably going to get hurt, but if he would be with me then I know I would try a hell of a lot harder not to hurt him and then he wouldn't have to deal with heartbreak and I wouldn't have to deal with this depression and constant self-degradation because I'm only "friend material".
Love is bullshit. I think Hedwig said it best. "That's the pain that cuts a stright line down through the heart. We call it love." Love is nothing but pain.
Well, I got dumped for the masquerade, but it was fine, because Maria's date bailed, so she became my date. Aaron came, so I was really happy about that. He looked sexiful. And we all sat in the "tunnel of love", that was really just the hall leading to the bathroom. We laughed and talked of memories past.
Aaron knew hella people there, and one was his ex girlfriend, so they were flirting all night and I had to supress some major "I wanna stab you in the throat and gut you and eat your children" urges. But, honestly, I think she was really nice. A little bubbly and preppy, but nice. Yes, and now he's talking about getting back together with her. Oh joy!
Ziggy came a while later and I was so shocked to see him. I love that kid. He's out of his mind and I love that.
Moe got a little tipsy which was awesome, because Moe's a great drunk. She's all upbeat and fun. :P
So, after the masquerade, Aaron blew off his plans and he hung out with me, Moe, and Akemi (who was Moe's date). We went to Jack in the Box and ordered a shitload of food (35$ worth) and then we went off to go get some weed from Aaron's friend, but he didn't have any on him. So, we just ate there and left. Then we went to Golf N' Games, because Aaron had to DDR. lol. So, Moe, Akemi, and I played pool. Akemi DDR'd once. Oh, those Asians and their DDR.
Then after that we all went home. I got home around 1 and slept, cuz I was a little upset about the evening, but it was still hella fun and I can't wait to do it again.
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